1 00:00:02,434 --> 00:00:06,636 ♪ Thank you for being a friend 2 00:00:06,639 --> 00:00:09,207 ♪ Traveled down the road and back again 3 00:00:09,208 --> 00:00:12,076 ♪ Your heart is true 4 00:00:12,079 --> 00:00:17,013 ♪ You're a pal and a confidante 5 00:00:17,015 --> 00:00:20,217 ♪ And if you threw a party 6 00:00:20,219 --> 00:00:25,556 ♪ Invited everyone you knew 7 00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:30,060 ♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me 8 00:00:30,062 --> 00:00:31,829 ♪ And the card attached would say 9 00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:38,268 ♪ "Thank you for being a friend" 10 00:01:07,331 --> 00:01:10,734 Pussycat, are you doing the grocery shopping today? 11 00:01:10,736 --> 00:01:12,436 Yeah. Something you want? 12 00:01:12,438 --> 00:01:14,438 Uh, pick up a couple of chicken breasts, 13 00:01:14,441 --> 00:01:16,974 and why don't we say 40... 14 00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:20,677 better make that 45 tubes of sunscreen. 15 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:23,313 Oh, Sophia, I've made that mistake before. 16 00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:25,783 The best thing to do is just turn the oven down 17 00:01:25,784 --> 00:01:27,585 if you don't want the chicken to burn. 18 00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:29,954 Rose, honey, 19 00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:31,623 I don't think my mother was planning 20 00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:34,325 on using the suntan lotion on the chicken. 21 00:01:34,326 --> 00:01:37,728 What do you mean, you've made that mistake before? 22 00:01:37,730 --> 00:01:39,463 President Bush is coming to dedicate 23 00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:41,633 the new senior citizen" center down the street. 24 00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:44,603 The motorcade goes right by here. So? 25 00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:47,805 So all the neighbors on the block will be out on their lawns. 26 00:01:47,807 --> 00:01:49,908 It'll be a hundred degrees out there, 27 00:01:49,909 --> 00:01:51,575 and they will need protection. 28 00:01:51,576 --> 00:01:54,311 They can pay me or fry in the sun. 29 00:01:54,313 --> 00:01:58,615 Oh, Ma, that is a terrible thing to do to your neighbors. 30 00:01:58,617 --> 00:02:01,552 I'll cut you in for half. We should also sell visors. 31 00:02:06,557 --> 00:02:08,992 There's a man on our lawn. 32 00:02:08,995 --> 00:02:11,262 Get the net. 33 00:02:11,264 --> 00:02:13,098 (doorbell) 34 00:02:15,266 --> 00:02:18,536 Well, hello there. Anything I can do for you? 35 00:02:18,538 --> 00:02:20,972 At least now she asks. 36 00:02:20,973 --> 00:02:22,774 Good afternoon. Sorry to bother you. 37 00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:25,276 I'm Agent Bell with the Secret Service. 38 00:02:25,277 --> 00:02:27,045 Well, won't you come right in? 39 00:02:27,046 --> 00:02:29,112 Thank you, Mrs. Devereaux. 40 00:02:29,115 --> 00:02:31,049 How did you know my name? 41 00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:32,616 I know all your names. 42 00:02:32,618 --> 00:02:34,284 This house has been under surveillance. 43 00:02:34,287 --> 00:02:35,787 Why are you watching our house? 44 00:02:35,788 --> 00:02:37,288 It's a security measure. 45 00:02:37,289 --> 00:02:39,122 The President wants to stop at one house 46 00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:42,060 on his way to dedicate the senior citizens' center. 47 00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:45,530 Why he can't he use the Arco station like everyone else? 48 00:02:45,531 --> 00:02:48,900 Are you saying Mr. President George Bush might stop here? 49 00:02:48,901 --> 00:02:50,901 He wants to keep in touch with the people. 50 00:02:50,903 --> 00:02:53,070 We chose this house as a possibility 51 00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:57,608 because there are four senior citizens living under one roof. 52 00:02:57,610 --> 00:03:00,745 Now, a few other houses are being considered besides this one. 53 00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:03,080 If you don't mind, I'll start with Mrs. Devereaux. 54 00:03:03,082 --> 00:03:05,282 Fine. We'll just be waiting in he kitchen. 55 00:03:05,284 --> 00:03:08,019 Not making fun of the Vice President. 56 00:03:11,924 --> 00:03:14,792 Now that we're alone, tell me all about yourself. 57 00:03:14,794 --> 00:03:16,526 You first. 58 00:03:18,129 --> 00:03:22,000 I've always been the kind of person who liked to have fun. 59 00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:25,069 Dorothy, do you realize it has been four days 60 00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:27,771 since I have enjoyed the company of a man? 61 00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:30,574 I know, Blanche. I've been marking the days off 62 00:03:30,575 --> 00:03:34,978 on my Big Ships of the Navy calendar. 63 00:03:34,980 --> 00:03:37,848 I don't think I can stand it much longer. 64 00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:41,151 My body feels like a Corvette up on blocks with its engine racing 65 00:03:41,153 --> 00:03:43,287 and the wheels just spinning and spinning 66 00:03:43,288 --> 00:03:45,156 with nowhere to go. 67 00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:47,123 I feel like I'm gonna explode. 68 00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:49,293 Dorothy, you have to help me. You have to do something. 69 00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:51,295 Honey, there's nothing I can do, 70 00:03:51,298 --> 00:03:54,731 so get that look out of your eye and let go of my hand. 71 00:03:56,301 --> 00:03:58,135 Girls, I am so excited. 72 00:03:58,138 --> 00:04:00,405 I just got a big bonus at work. 73 00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:01,938 (both) Ah! 74 00:04:01,941 --> 00:04:04,442 And guess what I've decided to do with it. (both) What? 75 00:04:04,443 --> 00:04:07,812 I'm gonna have my breasts enlarged. 76 00:04:12,251 --> 00:04:14,151 You're not serious, Blanche? 77 00:04:14,152 --> 00:04:18,088 Sure I am. Breasts are back in fashion. 78 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:22,893 And what God didn't give me, Dr. Myron Rosensweig will. 79 00:04:22,894 --> 00:04:26,764 Oh, that man is the Picasso of plastic surgeons. 80 00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:30,201 Just be sure he doesn't attach one of them to your forehead. 81 00:04:30,202 --> 00:04:31,535 Yes. 82 00:04:32,704 --> 00:04:34,439 Oh, Rose, hi. 83 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,441 Listen, I just picked up these pamphlets 84 00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:38,942 at a cosmetic surgeon, and I want you to help me 85 00:04:38,944 --> 00:04:41,946 decide which alterations I'll get. 86 00:04:45,050 --> 00:04:48,319 Blanche, none of these women have any tops on. 87 00:04:48,321 --> 00:04:49,786 Well, I know, honey. 88 00:04:49,788 --> 00:04:52,389 These are the "after" pictures of satisfied customers. 89 00:04:52,391 --> 00:04:56,526 I was thinking about having my breasts done like hers. 90 00:04:56,528 --> 00:05:00,464 All right, Blanche, but do you think black really suits you? 91 00:05:03,067 --> 00:05:04,569 Here you go, sweetheart. 92 00:05:04,571 --> 00:05:07,805 Dorothy, have you ever heard of something called dirty-dancing? 93 00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:10,841 Well, of course, Blanche. They did it in that movie. 94 00:05:10,843 --> 00:05:14,577 What movie? Lawrence of Arabia, Rose. 95 00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:18,249 This flier that came in the mail 96 00:05:18,250 --> 00:05:20,050 says they're gonna start a dirty-dancing course 97 00:05:20,052 --> 00:05:22,920 down at Lawson's dance studio. 98 00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:24,355 What do you say, Dorothy? 99 00:05:24,356 --> 00:05:27,425 Oh, no. I can't see myself swinging my hips 100 00:05:27,427 --> 00:05:29,827 and wildly gyrating my pelvis. 101 00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:32,163 I am not interested. 102 00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:35,365 And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief. 103 00:05:39,237 --> 00:05:42,340 You just hit that music, girl, and follow my lead. 104 00:05:43,942 --> 00:05:47,411 (♪ Latin music) Look into my eyes. 105 00:06:03,262 --> 00:06:05,997 Rose! 106 00:06:14,238 --> 00:06:15,939 (♪ music ends) 107 00:06:24,516 --> 00:06:27,951 Hi, girls. 108 00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:31,389 This is not what it looks like. 109 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,356 What they do is their business, 110 00:06:33,358 --> 00:06:36,492 but if I ever see your hand on Rose's behind, it'll kill me. 111 00:06:39,798 --> 00:06:42,100 Wow, what a hunk. 112 00:06:42,101 --> 00:06:45,002 I know. Eat your hearts out. 113 00:06:45,004 --> 00:06:47,338 Blanche, did it ever occur to you 114 00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:50,240 that possibly Rose or I might be interested in Jake? 115 00:06:50,242 --> 00:06:52,308 Yes. 116 00:06:52,310 --> 00:06:55,446 And you still used every cheap ploy to nab him before we had a chance? 117 00:06:55,447 --> 00:06:57,514 Yes. What do you have to say for yourself? 118 00:06:57,516 --> 00:07:01,185 Damn, I'm good. 119 00:07:02,821 --> 00:07:04,956 Well, thank you, Mrs. Devereaux. 120 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,958 If the President decides to come, 121 00:07:06,959 --> 00:07:09,593 this administration would appreciate it if... 122 00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:11,930 Well, if you didn't hit on him. 123 00:07:14,266 --> 00:07:18,535 I thought everybody'd like some flugelkaka. 124 00:07:18,536 --> 00:07:21,004 Mrs. Nylund, would you mind answering a few questions? 125 00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:23,807 As long as it's not math. 126 00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:25,910 Here, honey, why don't you sit right down here? 127 00:07:25,911 --> 00:07:27,444 He's very nice. 128 00:07:29,081 --> 00:07:31,582 Oh, if you need to know anything else about me, 129 00:07:31,584 --> 00:07:34,084 um, I have pictures. 130 00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:35,752 So do we. 131 00:07:38,055 --> 00:07:42,091 Now, our records show that you come from a town called St. Olaf. 132 00:07:42,093 --> 00:07:43,694 You wanna tell me about it? 133 00:07:45,930 --> 00:07:47,997 Mrs. Nylund, are you all right? 134 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,668 It's just that nobody's ever asked before. 135 00:07:52,137 --> 00:07:53,937 Well... 136 00:07:53,939 --> 00:07:57,040 I don't get it. They don't seem to have anything in common. 137 00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:59,909 I guess it's just like that old saying, you know - "opposites attract." 138 00:07:59,911 --> 00:08:01,845 Oh, that's very true. 139 00:08:01,846 --> 00:08:03,213 Back in St. Olaf, 140 00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:05,548 Ollie Knutenspringle and his wife Bridget 141 00:08:05,550 --> 00:08:08,552 were opposites in every way. 142 00:08:08,553 --> 00:08:11,322 I mean, he was fat, she was thin, 143 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,824 he was neat, she was sloppy, 144 00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:16,827 he was tall, she was short. 145 00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:19,529 He was cheap, she was extravagant. 146 00:08:21,098 --> 00:08:24,201 He was... Opposites. We get the picture! 147 00:08:26,103 --> 00:08:28,105 Anyway, I'll never forget the time 148 00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:30,807 they sang at our annual talent show, 149 00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:33,110 right after the herring juggling act. 150 00:08:33,111 --> 00:08:37,615 You mean to tell me that somebody actually juggled herring? 151 00:08:37,616 --> 00:08:39,317 No! 152 00:08:39,318 --> 00:08:43,587 It was the herring who did the juggling. 153 00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:47,124 Tiny little Ginsu knives. 154 00:08:47,125 --> 00:08:49,793 Really very dangerous. I mean, one false move, 155 00:08:49,796 --> 00:08:52,697 they could've filleted themselves. 156 00:08:55,299 --> 00:08:56,701 I hate you. 157 00:08:59,870 --> 00:09:03,039 Rose, what in hell are you doing? It is 2am. 158 00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:05,375 I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get up 159 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:08,312 and make a batch of spearhuven krispies. 160 00:09:09,847 --> 00:09:12,682 It's an ancient Scandinavian midnight snack. 161 00:09:12,684 --> 00:09:15,253 I guess after a night of pillaging and raping, 162 00:09:15,254 --> 00:09:19,822 a viking wants a little something to go with his cocoa. 163 00:09:19,825 --> 00:09:21,825 Well, they smell God-awful. 164 00:09:21,826 --> 00:09:23,226 Yeah. Just when you're about ready 165 00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:26,263 to throw up from the stench, that's when they're done. 166 00:09:26,264 --> 00:09:28,999 Who wants some? 167 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,067 Rose, if these had been offered to the Donner Party, 168 00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:33,671 they still would've eaten each other. 169 00:09:33,673 --> 00:09:36,407 Don't be silly, Dorothy. They're delicious. 170 00:09:36,408 --> 00:09:38,442 You just have to know how to eat them. 171 00:09:38,443 --> 00:09:40,778 You hold your nose with one hand, 172 00:09:40,779 --> 00:09:43,947 and you pop a krispy in your mouth with the other. 173 00:09:43,950 --> 00:09:46,317 Mm. Mm! 174 00:09:46,318 --> 00:09:47,684 That tastes like cheesecake, 175 00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:51,621 fresh strawberries and chocolate ice cream. 176 00:09:56,494 --> 00:09:58,629 My gosh, you're right. 177 00:09:58,630 --> 00:10:02,966 That is the best thing I have ever tasted. 178 00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:05,235 This is delicious. Mm! 179 00:10:10,174 --> 00:10:13,977 Hey, give me a break. You can't smell that from the hall. 180 00:10:17,282 --> 00:10:18,883 Then there was the time Hans Erikson 181 00:10:18,884 --> 00:10:21,985 wanted to take an elk to the prom. 182 00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:24,221 The whole town was divided on that one. 183 00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:28,292 Pussycat, if you're writing to your brother Phil, 184 00:10:28,293 --> 00:10:31,395 tell him I said thanks for the Underoos. 185 00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:34,999 And Spider-Man scared the hell out of my doctor. 186 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,668 I'm not writing to Phil. 187 00:10:37,669 --> 00:10:41,238 I'm just jotting down some things that I want to say to the President. 188 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,072 Oh, Dorothy, you're not gonna make a scene, are you? 189 00:10:43,075 --> 00:10:46,043 Oh, hey, come on. Give me a little credit. 190 00:10:46,044 --> 00:10:48,812 I mean, it's not like I'm some kind of hothead. 191 00:10:48,813 --> 00:10:51,514 Please! I'd put you about even with John McEnroe. 192 00:10:51,517 --> 00:10:54,350 Except McEnroe knows when to stop. 193 00:10:54,352 --> 00:10:56,520 Come on, Ma. She's right. 194 00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,989 Don't you remember the ti- How could you forget? 195 00:10:58,990 --> 00:11:00,591 ...only spare towels I could find. 196 00:11:00,592 --> 00:11:02,659 Put 'em around the bucket in case the leak spreads. 197 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,261 Wait a minute, Rose. 198 00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:07,096 Is that my Cabana Club beach towel you have there? 199 00:11:07,099 --> 00:11:09,066 Is it this one with the naked man and woman 200 00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:10,933 being swept up in the waves? 201 00:11:10,936 --> 00:11:13,937 Yes, that's it. You can't use this towel. 202 00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:15,605 Blanche, Blanche, it's an emergency. 203 00:11:15,607 --> 00:11:17,140 We'll replace it next week. 204 00:11:17,143 --> 00:11:18,942 Oh, no, you cannot replace this towel. 205 00:11:18,943 --> 00:11:22,078 There are too many fond memories attached to this towel. 206 00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:23,779 Blanche, please. I am in no mood 207 00:11:23,782 --> 00:11:27,283 to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters 208 00:11:27,286 --> 00:11:31,121 that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline, 209 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:33,390 with only this towel between your hot flesh 210 00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:36,192 and the cold, wet sand. 211 00:11:37,861 --> 00:11:41,465 I brought my son Skippy home from the hospital 212 00:11:41,466 --> 00:11:44,067 in this towel, Dorothy. 213 00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:47,904 You're lying, Blanche. 214 00:11:50,576 --> 00:11:53,243 Damn, you're good. 215 00:11:54,312 --> 00:11:56,681 ♪ Happy birthday, boys and girls 216 00:11:56,682 --> 00:11:59,316 ♪ Happy birthday to you 217 00:11:59,317 --> 00:12:02,952 Welcome to Mr. Ha Ha's Hotdog Hacienda. 218 00:12:02,955 --> 00:12:06,157 (cheering) 219 00:12:06,158 --> 00:12:09,426 Isn't this fun? 220 00:12:09,427 --> 00:12:12,830 Dorothy, you haven't even touched your Mr. Ha Ha dog. 221 00:12:12,831 --> 00:12:14,731 You're right. 222 00:12:19,270 --> 00:12:21,471 There. I touched it. 223 00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:24,375 Now it's the Mr. Ha Ha birthday roundup. 224 00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:28,278 When I call your name, please come up on stage. 225 00:12:31,716 --> 00:12:34,018 Robbie Speener! 226 00:12:34,019 --> 00:12:37,788 Please say you didn't do this. 227 00:12:37,789 --> 00:12:39,523 (Mr. Ha Ha) Jeannie Taylor! 228 00:12:39,524 --> 00:12:42,158 Please tell me you didn't do this. 229 00:12:42,161 --> 00:12:44,461 Dorothy Zbornak! 230 00:12:45,963 --> 00:12:47,798 I just wish you'd watch yourself, Dorothy, 231 00:12:47,799 --> 00:12:50,533 because we're all pretty excited about this visit. 232 00:12:50,536 --> 00:12:53,636 Forget it, Rose. If President Bush steps in this house, 233 00:12:53,639 --> 00:12:55,538 I'm not gonna waste an opportunity like that. 234 00:12:55,540 --> 00:12:57,740 I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. 235 00:13:04,615 --> 00:13:06,750 You try and talk to her. 236 00:13:06,751 --> 00:13:09,919 Dorothy, if the President comes here, you can't criticize him. 237 00:13:09,922 --> 00:13:11,389 Watch me. 238 00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:13,756 Oh, Dorothy, don't ever antagonize the man 239 00:13:13,759 --> 00:13:17,827 who could answer the question, "You and what army?" 240 00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:19,629 What's your gripe with the President, anyway? 241 00:13:19,631 --> 00:13:22,700 He calls himself the "education president," 242 00:13:22,701 --> 00:13:27,337 but our education system has some serious problems. 243 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:29,573 I see the illiteracy, I see dropouts, 244 00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:33,677 I see kids who can't even find India on a map. 245 00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:37,447 Well, to be fair, Dorothy, that stumped Columbus too. 246 00:13:37,448 --> 00:13:40,716 And education is just part of the problem. 247 00:13:40,719 --> 00:13:42,619 I mean, there's age discrimination, 248 00:13:42,620 --> 00:13:43,886 women's rights... 249 00:13:43,889 --> 00:13:46,289 Oh, Rose... 250 00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:48,625 Rose, honey, 251 00:13:48,626 --> 00:13:53,096 now why didn't you tell us what was going on? 252 00:13:53,099 --> 00:13:56,100 Because you can't help me find a job. 253 00:13:56,101 --> 00:13:59,068 Because nobody or nothing can make me young again. 254 00:13:59,071 --> 00:14:00,470 Oh, all right, Rose, 255 00:14:00,471 --> 00:14:03,039 so your life isn't the same as it used to be. 256 00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:06,342 The rules have changed. But it's happened before, hasn't it? 257 00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:09,614 I mean, what did you do after Charlie died? 258 00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:12,548 Buried him. 259 00:14:12,551 --> 00:14:15,351 I mean, what did you do the next day, 260 00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:18,322 when you had to start putting your life together? 261 00:14:18,323 --> 00:14:21,991 I couldn't do it! I'd been a housewife for 32 years. 262 00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:24,427 I totally depended on Charlie. 263 00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:25,763 Yeah, but the point is, 264 00:14:25,764 --> 00:14:27,264 eventually you did what you had to do. 265 00:14:27,265 --> 00:14:28,765 You took care of yourself. 266 00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:31,101 Sweetheart, you're now in exactly the same position. 267 00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:33,004 Not exactly. 268 00:14:33,005 --> 00:14:34,937 I'm five years older, 269 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,840 and nobody wants me around. 270 00:14:36,841 --> 00:14:39,277 Oh, honey, we want you around. 271 00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:41,211 We just can't afford to pay you. 272 00:14:42,681 --> 00:14:45,081 Rose. Rose, look at me. 273 00:14:45,084 --> 00:14:48,118 Rose, listen. You are feeling sorry for yourself. 274 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:52,254 Sure, you're five years older. So am I, so is Blanche. 275 00:14:52,256 --> 00:14:56,192 All right, so you have a few more wrinkles. 276 00:14:56,195 --> 00:14:58,562 So do I, so has Blanche. 277 00:15:01,566 --> 00:15:03,734 All right, you're a little thicker around the middle. 278 00:15:03,735 --> 00:15:05,635 So is Blanche. 279 00:15:09,841 --> 00:15:12,842 Oh, girls, I am devastated, just devastated. 280 00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:14,144 Honey, what happened? 281 00:15:14,145 --> 00:15:16,813 I asked my teacher for help, like you all told me to. 282 00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:19,249 He said the only way I would get an A on his final 283 00:15:19,250 --> 00:15:21,184 is if I sleep with him. No! 284 00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:23,620 Oh, yes. I just don't know what to do. 285 00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:25,923 Get it in writing. 286 00:15:31,395 --> 00:15:34,663 Blanche, that is terrible. I hope you told him off. 287 00:15:34,665 --> 00:15:37,734 Well, first I was so stunned, I didn't know what to say. 288 00:15:37,735 --> 00:15:39,602 And then I marched back up to his desk 289 00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:41,270 and I looked him straight in the eye 290 00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:43,472 and I said, "I'll think it over." 291 00:15:43,475 --> 00:15:45,576 Blanche, there is nothing to think over. 292 00:15:45,577 --> 00:15:48,044 What he did is sexual harassment. 293 00:15:48,047 --> 00:15:49,813 He cannot get away with that. 294 00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:53,082 Nils Felander attempted to harass me repeatedly. 295 00:15:53,085 --> 00:15:55,318 What do you mean, he attempted to? 296 00:15:55,321 --> 00:15:58,254 He worked at Lars Erikson's Drugstore and Tackle Shop. 297 00:15:58,256 --> 00:16:01,091 He was a soda jerk. 298 00:16:01,092 --> 00:16:04,628 Now that I think about it, he was the town jerk. 299 00:16:04,629 --> 00:16:07,898 Every Saturday afternoon I'd go in and have a sundae. 300 00:16:07,899 --> 00:16:13,470 Well, Nils would arrange the ice cream scoops in an obscene way. 301 00:16:20,912 --> 00:16:23,246 I could never prove it because by the time 302 00:16:23,249 --> 00:16:26,515 I would take it home to show my father, the... 303 00:16:32,256 --> 00:16:33,756 ...the evidence had... 304 00:16:33,759 --> 00:16:35,658 (both) Melted. Yes. 305 00:16:38,428 --> 00:16:41,764 To this day, every time I pass an ice cream parlor 306 00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:45,369 or a tackle shop, I blush. 307 00:16:49,274 --> 00:16:52,075 Well, I just got off the phone with Washington. 308 00:16:52,076 --> 00:16:55,077 I'm sorry, ladies, but the President would prefer to visit 309 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,879 a more typical American family. 310 00:16:56,881 --> 00:16:58,883 Typical? We're typical. 311 00:16:58,884 --> 00:17:02,318 I'm the mother, and I have 2.3 children. 312 00:17:02,321 --> 00:17:05,255 You won't find a more typical family than that. 313 00:17:05,257 --> 00:17:07,891 Girls, look. How do I look? 314 00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:09,726 Oh, great, Blanche. 315 00:17:09,728 --> 00:17:11,862 Great? Or gorgeous? 316 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:13,029 Gorgeous. 317 00:17:13,031 --> 00:17:15,298 Well, what about sexy? Yes. 318 00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:17,500 Enticing? I'll handle this. 319 00:17:17,502 --> 00:17:20,237 Blanche, no woman ever looked better 320 00:17:20,239 --> 00:17:22,071 than you look right now, 321 00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:24,875 and no one ever will. 322 00:17:28,746 --> 00:17:30,646 Thank you, Dorothy. 323 00:17:30,648 --> 00:17:32,915 Honestly, Rose, sometimes it's like pulling teeth 324 00:17:32,917 --> 00:17:36,854 to get a little compliment out of you. 325 00:17:36,855 --> 00:17:39,455 What do you say, girls? Are you in this with me? 326 00:17:39,458 --> 00:17:41,724 You bet we are, honey. 327 00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:43,661 This is what friendship is all about - 328 00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:46,596 banding together when the going gets tough, 329 00:17:46,597 --> 00:17:49,932 sacrificing sleep and personal comfort, 330 00:17:49,934 --> 00:17:53,435 putting someone else's need ahead of your own. 331 00:17:53,438 --> 00:17:55,704 It's beautiful. 332 00:17:55,707 --> 00:17:59,041 Let me know how it turns out in the morning. Good night. 333 00:18:01,979 --> 00:18:03,513 Let's make a pact 334 00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:05,715 that we'll always take care of each other, 335 00:18:05,718 --> 00:18:08,384 that we'll never desert each other, no matter what. 336 00:18:08,386 --> 00:18:10,053 You can count on me, honey. 337 00:18:10,055 --> 00:18:14,290 Do you think it's gonna be that easy getting rid of me, Rose? 338 00:18:14,292 --> 00:18:15,826 That was rhetorical, Rose. 339 00:18:17,595 --> 00:18:19,762 Ah, but what a comforting thought, 340 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:21,865 knowing you'll never be alone. 341 00:18:21,866 --> 00:18:23,599 And listen, what the hell? 342 00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:28,372 If we do have to go to a nursing home, let's all go together. 343 00:18:31,476 --> 00:18:34,109 But what happens when there's only one of us left? 344 00:18:36,913 --> 00:18:39,115 Don't worry. I can take care of myself. 345 00:18:42,052 --> 00:18:46,256 Easy, easy. Ma! That's my best china. 346 00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:49,259 You got it for me when I got married, you remember? 347 00:18:49,260 --> 00:18:50,594 Who could forget? 348 00:18:50,596 --> 00:18:53,930 I carried it all the way from Sicily! 349 00:18:53,932 --> 00:18:56,532 And for what? So you could get divorced. 350 00:18:56,535 --> 00:19:01,371 I should have gotten you something returnable, like a donkey. 351 00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:03,373 You know, I've eaten through 352 00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:05,642 a lot of great times on these plates. 353 00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:08,711 Yeah. You know, with Alma here, 354 00:19:08,713 --> 00:19:10,646 I've been thinking a lot about the two of us. 355 00:19:10,648 --> 00:19:12,650 What do you mean? 356 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:16,153 The one thing you never do is treat me like an old lady. 357 00:19:16,154 --> 00:19:18,555 You treat me like a person. 358 00:19:18,557 --> 00:19:21,223 I appreciate that. 359 00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:23,593 You're a good daughter, Dorothy. 360 00:19:23,595 --> 00:19:25,563 Ma, I'm overwhelmed. 361 00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:28,365 I don't know what to say. 362 00:19:28,366 --> 00:19:31,602 I'll tell you what you could say. 363 00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:34,637 You could say I don't owe you the $50. 364 00:19:37,608 --> 00:19:40,076 Ma, you are a crazy lady, 365 00:19:40,077 --> 00:19:43,413 and I love ya, I love ya, I love ya. 366 00:19:43,414 --> 00:19:46,383 I love you too, pussycat. 367 00:19:49,287 --> 00:19:50,988 That's beautiful. 368 00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:54,958 I've got to try to convince him to choose you guys. 369 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:58,761 You're as close as any family I've ever seen. 370 00:19:58,763 --> 00:20:01,030 I can't believe he bought it. 371 00:20:01,032 --> 00:20:03,933 What do you mean, Sophia? We get along great. 372 00:20:03,935 --> 00:20:05,602 He's got no idea what it's like, 373 00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:07,269 living with you monkeys. 374 00:20:07,271 --> 00:20:10,039 I get sick every time I think of the time... 375 00:20:10,041 --> 00:20:11,974 Ma, Rose isn't talking to me. 376 00:20:11,977 --> 00:20:15,979 Enjoy it while it lasts. Now, good night. 377 00:20:15,980 --> 00:20:17,614 Honey - Oh, hi, Dorothy. 378 00:20:17,615 --> 00:20:20,150 Honey, can I talk to you? No, go away. 379 00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:21,550 But I can't sleep, Sophia, 380 00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:24,121 and it's all because Rose isn't talking to me. 381 00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:26,390 I could care less. Now get out of my room! 382 00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:28,291 (knocking) (Rose) Sophia? 383 00:20:28,294 --> 00:20:29,826 I'm not in. 384 00:20:29,827 --> 00:20:32,828 Wait for the beep, then leave a message. 385 00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:35,999 Beep. 386 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,067 Hi, this is Rose... 387 00:20:41,940 --> 00:20:44,307 Rose, shut up and get in here! 388 00:20:47,177 --> 00:20:49,645 I see you're with two double-crossing ex-friends of mine. 389 00:20:49,647 --> 00:20:51,147 I'll come back later. 390 00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:52,816 What do you think this is, the 7-Eleven? 391 00:20:52,817 --> 00:20:55,385 I'm not open all night. 392 00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:57,688 Rose, we feel terrible about what we've done. 393 00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,923 What have you done? We're really very sorry. 394 00:20:59,924 --> 00:21:01,857 Sorry about what? Sorry isn't good enough. 395 00:21:01,859 --> 00:21:04,294 How can I ever trust you again? Trust who? 396 00:21:04,296 --> 00:21:06,430 Please, Rose, let's not talk about trust 397 00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:08,230 after the terrible things you wrote. 398 00:21:08,232 --> 00:21:10,634 Will someone please tell me what the hell you're talking about? 399 00:21:10,635 --> 00:21:12,402 Blanche and I read Rose's diary. 400 00:21:12,403 --> 00:21:15,172 And she wrote some terrible things about us in there. 401 00:21:15,173 --> 00:21:18,608 About you? I didn't write anything about you. 402 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:21,344 I didn't even know you when I kept that diary. 403 00:21:21,346 --> 00:21:24,914 What are you talking about? That was my 4-H diary. 404 00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:29,118 I kept it one summer when I raised two pigs for the county fair. 405 00:21:34,525 --> 00:21:38,728 You kept a diary about raising two pigs? 406 00:21:38,730 --> 00:21:43,599 You know another way to get a 4-H pig diary badge? 407 00:21:43,602 --> 00:21:48,805 Stop! Even surgical stockings only have so much elastic! 408 00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:50,006 Hello. 409 00:21:50,008 --> 00:21:51,642 Girls, this nightgown is so sheer 410 00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:54,911 I believe you can see right through it. 411 00:21:54,913 --> 00:21:56,913 Oh, hello, Fidel. 412 00:21:56,915 --> 00:21:59,348 Hello, Blanche. How are you? 413 00:21:59,351 --> 00:22:01,919 You don't have cataracts - you tell me. 414 00:22:05,655 --> 00:22:07,856 Beat it, you 50-year-old mattress. 415 00:22:11,162 --> 00:22:14,196 Why, you... you miserable old... 416 00:22:14,199 --> 00:22:16,099 Blanche, Blanche, Blanche. You know the rules. 417 00:22:16,102 --> 00:22:17,933 When one of you is out with Fidel, 418 00:22:17,935 --> 00:22:20,237 the other one does not interfere. 419 00:22:20,239 --> 00:22:22,105 My apologies. 420 00:22:22,107 --> 00:22:23,773 Now, if you'll excuse me, 421 00:22:23,776 --> 00:22:28,010 I'm gonna go take a long, hot, steamy bath, 422 00:22:28,012 --> 00:22:29,779 with just enough water 423 00:22:29,781 --> 00:22:33,916 to barely cover my perky bosoms. 424 00:22:36,721 --> 00:22:41,156 You're only gonna sit in an inch of water? 425 00:22:41,159 --> 00:22:44,326 Oh, that does it! That does it! 426 00:22:44,328 --> 00:22:47,564 No, no, no, no, ladies! 427 00:22:47,566 --> 00:22:49,767 Dorothy, why don't we have a pet? 428 00:22:49,769 --> 00:22:51,500 Anybody want a cracker? 429 00:22:51,502 --> 00:22:52,836 Never mind. 430 00:22:52,837 --> 00:22:55,471 (doorbell) 431 00:22:58,976 --> 00:23:00,309 Good evening. 432 00:23:00,311 --> 00:23:02,178 Well, I guess you know why I'm here. 433 00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:03,579 Sure. Nobody can leave 434 00:23:03,582 --> 00:23:06,950 after just one helping of flugelkaka. 435 00:23:06,951 --> 00:23:09,219 No, ma'am. And don't even kid about that. 436 00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,855 No, I'm here to tell you that tomorrow 437 00:23:12,857 --> 00:23:14,857 the President of the United States 438 00:23:14,859 --> 00:23:17,693 will be coming to your house. 439 00:23:17,695 --> 00:23:19,261 Oh, my! 440 00:23:19,263 --> 00:23:20,496 Oh! 441 00:23:20,498 --> 00:23:22,731 What did you... How did you do that? 442 00:24:01,002 --> 00:24:05,339 ♪ Thank you for being a friend 443 00:24:05,342 --> 00:24:07,977 ♪ Traveled down the road and back again 444 00:24:07,979 --> 00:24:10,811 ♪ Your heart is true 445 00:24:10,814 --> 00:24:15,849 ♪ You're a pal and a confidante 446 00:24:15,852 --> 00:24:18,987 ♪ And if you threw a party 447 00:24:18,989 --> 00:24:24,125 ♪ Invited everyone you knew 448 00:24:24,126 --> 00:24:28,596 ♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me 449 00:24:28,598 --> 00:24:30,565 ♪ And the card attached would say 450 00:24:30,567 --> 00:24:36,904 ♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪ 451 00:24:58,627 --> 00:25:00,761 Rose, what's all this? 452 00:25:00,763 --> 00:25:02,696 Oh, I want the President to feel welcome, 453 00:25:02,699 --> 00:25:04,400 so I'm making him a sign. 454 00:25:04,402 --> 00:25:06,968 It's gonna say "Welcome, President Bush. 455 00:25:06,970 --> 00:25:09,037 "We are pleased to have you in our home. 456 00:25:09,038 --> 00:25:11,707 "We're really thrilled that you're visiting Miami. 457 00:25:11,709 --> 00:25:14,742 "We hope you have a good time and a safe trip home, 458 00:25:14,744 --> 00:25:17,778 "and good luck on running the country." 459 00:25:17,780 --> 00:25:20,115 It's catchy, Rose. 460 00:25:20,116 --> 00:25:22,884 Are you sure you want to go to all that trouble? 461 00:25:22,885 --> 00:25:24,952 Honey, he'll just be here a few minutes. 462 00:25:24,954 --> 00:25:26,555 Are you kidding? 463 00:25:26,557 --> 00:25:29,290 This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me. 464 00:25:29,292 --> 00:25:31,226 More exciting than winning the annual 465 00:25:31,228 --> 00:25:34,496 St. Olaf me-and-my-pet look-alike contest? 466 00:25:34,498 --> 00:25:39,034 Yes. But mostly because I don't have to swim with a duck in my mouth. 467 00:25:44,473 --> 00:25:48,009 Boy, when the President gets here, am I gonna let him have it. 468 00:25:48,010 --> 00:25:49,510 What do you think I should hit him with first? 469 00:25:49,512 --> 00:25:51,680 Inadequate funding for education? 470 00:25:51,682 --> 00:25:54,015 The plight of the hungry and homeless? 471 00:25:54,017 --> 00:25:55,851 Pollution of the air and the water? 472 00:25:55,853 --> 00:25:57,719 I mean, the problems are endless. 473 00:25:57,721 --> 00:25:59,822 Dorothy, you can't talk like that to the President. 474 00:25:59,824 --> 00:26:01,388 Watch me. 475 00:26:01,391 --> 00:26:03,692 Sure, there are problems, but can't we just pray 476 00:26:03,693 --> 00:26:06,060 they'll go away by themselves? 477 00:26:06,063 --> 00:26:07,761 You haven't. 478 00:26:07,763 --> 00:26:10,031 Dorothy, if you make a scene, this whole thing 479 00:26:10,034 --> 00:26:11,900 is gonna blow up in our faces. 480 00:26:11,902 --> 00:26:13,367 Why do you say that? 481 00:26:13,369 --> 00:26:15,037 Because something always does. 482 00:26:15,038 --> 00:26:16,538 Let me refresh your memory. 483 00:26:16,539 --> 00:26:19,207 OK, we have the suntan lotion, Chap Stick, 484 00:26:19,209 --> 00:26:22,611 and half a dozen cheap, tawdry romance novels. 485 00:26:22,613 --> 00:26:25,313 Then we're all set. We have everything we need for the cruise. 486 00:26:25,315 --> 00:26:27,449 Girls, listen, maybe we don't have everything we need. 487 00:26:27,451 --> 00:26:28,682 What are we missing? 488 00:26:28,684 --> 00:26:30,051 Well, we are going away 489 00:26:30,054 --> 00:26:31,885 for a romantic weekend to the Bahamas 490 00:26:31,887 --> 00:26:34,056 with Jeff and Rich and Randy. 491 00:26:34,057 --> 00:26:36,723 In this day and age it might be a good idea 492 00:26:36,726 --> 00:26:39,326 to take along some protection. 493 00:26:39,328 --> 00:26:42,396 What kind of protection? 494 00:26:42,398 --> 00:26:46,134 Two armed Pinkerton guards. 495 00:26:46,135 --> 00:26:49,037 No, Blanche is talking about, uh... 496 00:26:49,038 --> 00:26:51,105 A Nestlé's Crunch? 497 00:26:52,875 --> 00:26:54,776 One over. 498 00:26:54,778 --> 00:26:56,778 An enema bag? 499 00:26:56,779 --> 00:26:57,846 To the right. 500 00:26:57,847 --> 00:26:59,447 Dentu-Grip? 501 00:26:59,449 --> 00:27:04,285 Condoms, Rose. Condoms, condoms, condoms! 502 00:27:04,287 --> 00:27:06,253 Calm down, lady. 503 00:27:06,256 --> 00:27:08,522 You just get outta prison? 504 00:27:11,594 --> 00:27:14,796 Girls, what do you think? 505 00:27:14,798 --> 00:27:16,798 Well, it's not a bad idea, 506 00:27:16,799 --> 00:27:18,767 but... I'm a little embarrassed. 507 00:27:18,769 --> 00:27:20,701 Oh, me too. Embarrassed? 508 00:27:20,703 --> 00:27:23,270 There's no reason to be embarrassed. 509 00:27:23,272 --> 00:27:24,707 These are discreet professionals. 510 00:27:24,709 --> 00:27:26,208 This is a private matter. 511 00:27:26,210 --> 00:27:29,411 Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own. 512 00:27:33,883 --> 00:27:36,351 I'd like a package of these, please. 513 00:27:36,353 --> 00:27:38,853 And, uh, I'll take these. 514 00:27:45,260 --> 00:27:47,828 And I'll take these. 515 00:27:47,830 --> 00:27:50,665 Now, that wasn't so bad, was it? 516 00:27:50,667 --> 00:27:54,201 Uh, Joe, I need a price check on some condoms. 517 00:27:56,672 --> 00:27:59,641 These three ladies here want a couple of boxes 518 00:27:59,643 --> 00:28:02,376 of the King George prophylactics. 519 00:28:04,780 --> 00:28:07,749 (Joe) The lambskins or the ultrasensitive? 520 00:28:07,750 --> 00:28:09,817 Two of 'em have the lambskins 521 00:28:09,819 --> 00:28:13,355 and the blonde has the ultrasensitive, 522 00:28:13,356 --> 00:28:14,623 in black. 523 00:28:20,895 --> 00:28:22,029 Plumber. 524 00:28:22,031 --> 00:28:25,433 Could I see some identification? 525 00:28:25,435 --> 00:28:27,167 Come on in. 526 00:28:28,471 --> 00:28:30,439 So, you two are the proud parents 527 00:28:30,441 --> 00:28:32,607 of the new Dolan Standard Lowboy, huh? 528 00:28:32,609 --> 00:28:36,310 Yes, we're sending out engraved announcements. 529 00:28:36,313 --> 00:28:38,480 Well, you probably want to get her operational as soon as possible. 530 00:28:38,481 --> 00:28:40,648 After all, she's quite a showpiece. 531 00:28:40,651 --> 00:28:42,116 Where do I install her? 532 00:28:42,118 --> 00:28:44,153 Well, actually, uh, Lou, 533 00:28:44,154 --> 00:28:46,622 we're going to install her ourselves. 534 00:28:46,624 --> 00:28:48,656 Follow me. Hold it. You're not serious? 535 00:28:48,659 --> 00:28:50,090 Why not? 536 00:28:50,093 --> 00:28:52,460 You gotta be a man, for God's sakes! 537 00:28:52,461 --> 00:28:55,096 You know, to tell you the truth, Lou, 538 00:28:55,097 --> 00:28:59,366 women are capable of more than just cleaning these things. 539 00:28:59,368 --> 00:29:02,837 Is that so? Well, as long as you ladies are playing plumber, 540 00:29:02,839 --> 00:29:04,739 why don't you play moving man, too? 541 00:29:04,740 --> 00:29:07,776 Fine! Fine, we will! 542 00:29:07,778 --> 00:29:10,010 Was that a plumber? No, Ma, no. 543 00:29:10,012 --> 00:29:12,780 It was a little girl selling Girl Scout toilets. 544 00:29:14,383 --> 00:29:17,419 You let a plumber get away? We don't need him! 545 00:29:17,421 --> 00:29:20,756 Like hell! I'm going after him. 546 00:29:22,557 --> 00:29:25,893 Come on, Dorothy, let's move this little beauty. 547 00:29:25,894 --> 00:29:27,862 OK. Ohh! 548 00:29:27,864 --> 00:29:29,963 Ooh. Wait, wait. 549 00:29:29,965 --> 00:29:32,933 No, honey, she won't budge. 550 00:29:32,935 --> 00:29:35,670 Oh, Rose, I don't think we're gonna be able to move it. 551 00:29:35,672 --> 00:29:37,638 Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, 552 00:29:37,641 --> 00:29:39,406 now, we can move this toilet. 553 00:29:39,409 --> 00:29:41,308 Fine. Get me 20,000 Hebrews, 554 00:29:41,310 --> 00:29:43,644 and I'll have it out of here in no time. 555 00:29:46,249 --> 00:29:48,982 Oh, come on. 556 00:29:48,984 --> 00:29:52,721 Give me a minute, I'll think of something. 557 00:29:52,722 --> 00:29:55,457 I'd love you to meet my roommates. 558 00:30:01,596 --> 00:30:04,832 Unfortunately, they're not home right now. 559 00:30:04,834 --> 00:30:07,001 Dorothy, I gotta talk to you. 560 00:30:07,003 --> 00:30:08,502 I owe you a big apology. 561 00:30:08,505 --> 00:30:09,804 For what, Ma? 562 00:30:09,806 --> 00:30:11,439 For what I said before. 563 00:30:11,441 --> 00:30:13,741 You know, about you not knowing a thing about plumbing. 564 00:30:13,743 --> 00:30:15,576 Dorothy, you're a genius. 565 00:30:15,578 --> 00:30:17,411 Ma, wait. What are you talking about? 566 00:30:17,413 --> 00:30:20,015 I walk into the living room, and there's a toilet 567 00:30:20,017 --> 00:30:22,584 in front of the television set. 568 00:30:22,586 --> 00:30:25,420 It's an old lady's dream come true! 569 00:30:30,226 --> 00:30:32,859 You wouldn't believe all the security out there. 570 00:30:32,862 --> 00:30:34,528 Of course, they have to have it. 571 00:30:34,530 --> 00:30:36,029 When the President comes to town, 572 00:30:36,031 --> 00:30:37,598 it brings out all the oddballs. 573 00:30:37,601 --> 00:30:40,635 (doorbell) 574 00:30:40,637 --> 00:30:43,203 Hi, it's me, Stan. 575 00:30:43,205 --> 00:30:45,640 Stanley, what are you doing here? 576 00:30:45,642 --> 00:30:47,608 I'm glad you asked. 577 00:30:47,611 --> 00:30:50,645 Inside this box is my best novelty yet, 578 00:30:50,647 --> 00:30:52,480 not to mention the perfect tie-in 579 00:30:52,481 --> 00:30:53,949 to the President's visit. 580 00:30:53,951 --> 00:30:56,317 Ladies... 581 00:30:56,319 --> 00:31:01,088 the George Bush point of light on a stick. 582 00:31:02,892 --> 00:31:05,661 You know, Dorothy, every now and then it dawns on me 583 00:31:05,663 --> 00:31:08,096 you had children with this man. 584 00:31:08,097 --> 00:31:10,198 Stanley, get out. Wait. Please. 585 00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:12,666 I just took a bath on those Daniel Ortega buttons 586 00:31:12,669 --> 00:31:14,303 that say "four more years." 587 00:31:14,305 --> 00:31:16,070 Out! 588 00:31:16,073 --> 00:31:17,905 I can never tell when you ladies are kidding. 589 00:31:17,907 --> 00:31:19,606 Out! Out! 590 00:31:19,608 --> 00:31:21,942 Good one. 591 00:31:21,944 --> 00:31:23,778 Stan, I want you gone before the President gets here. 592 00:31:23,780 --> 00:31:25,681 Come on, Dorothy. I'm a big fan. 593 00:31:25,682 --> 00:31:27,248 Maybe he'd like to meet me. 594 00:31:27,250 --> 00:31:28,682 I almost voted for him. 595 00:31:28,684 --> 00:31:30,351 I would've if I could have registered. 596 00:31:30,353 --> 00:31:32,653 You know those things go straight to the IRS? 597 00:31:32,654 --> 00:31:34,021 So could I. 598 00:31:34,023 --> 00:31:36,023 See you. 599 00:31:37,692 --> 00:31:40,394 Oh, what did I ever see in that man? 600 00:31:40,396 --> 00:31:43,130 Don't blame yourself. You were young, you were carefree. 601 00:31:43,132 --> 00:31:44,798 You were just one of those girls 602 00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:47,201 who marries the first guy who knocks her up. 603 00:31:47,202 --> 00:31:49,237 (doorbell) 604 00:31:49,239 --> 00:31:52,539 Gee, this is really cool. 605 00:31:52,541 --> 00:31:54,241 Yeah, I see that you've met... 606 00:31:54,243 --> 00:31:56,644 Stanley Zbornak. A novelty salesman, 607 00:31:56,646 --> 00:31:59,313 your ex-husband, father of your children, 608 00:31:59,315 --> 00:32:03,050 and if you don't mind me saying, first-class yutz. 609 00:32:03,053 --> 00:32:06,054 Wow, they do know everything. 610 00:32:06,056 --> 00:32:08,557 We had to run security clearances on everyone. 611 00:32:08,558 --> 00:32:13,326 Everyone passed except for you, Mrs. Petrillo. 612 00:32:14,630 --> 00:32:15,963 I can't believe it! 613 00:32:15,965 --> 00:32:18,298 I spend one lousy night with Mussolini - 614 00:32:18,300 --> 00:32:21,435 and I do mean lousy - 615 00:32:21,438 --> 00:32:23,270 and I'm marked for life. 616 00:32:23,272 --> 00:32:24,838 No, that's not it. 617 00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:27,142 Our records list you as both Sophia Petrillo 618 00:32:27,144 --> 00:32:29,710 and Sophia Weinstock. 619 00:32:29,711 --> 00:32:31,511 What's the deal? Are you trying to hide something? 620 00:32:31,513 --> 00:32:33,213 Is there a Mr. Weinstock? 621 00:32:33,215 --> 00:32:37,218 OK, OK. I'm tired of running. 622 00:32:37,220 --> 00:32:38,552 Where do I begin? 623 00:32:38,555 --> 00:32:40,855 Max Weinstock and my late husband, Salvadore, 624 00:32:40,856 --> 00:32:42,856 were in the restaurant business together in Brooklyn. 625 00:32:42,858 --> 00:32:44,992 They had known each other since... 626 00:32:44,994 --> 00:32:47,361 Ma, what's the matter? 627 00:32:47,363 --> 00:32:49,763 Esther Weinstock is dead. 628 00:32:49,766 --> 00:32:52,532 We grew up together. She was my best friend. 629 00:32:52,535 --> 00:32:56,003 Oh, I'm so sorry. What happened? 630 00:32:56,006 --> 00:32:57,806 She was fighting an oil rig fire 631 00:32:57,807 --> 00:32:59,307 in the Gulf of Mexico. 632 00:32:59,308 --> 00:33:02,042 She was 88! 633 00:33:02,045 --> 00:33:05,980 Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end. 634 00:33:10,385 --> 00:33:12,420 Sophia? 635 00:33:12,422 --> 00:33:14,955 Dorothy, do you hear a dog howling? 636 00:33:14,958 --> 00:33:17,290 Behave yourself. Hello, Mr. Weinstock. 637 00:33:17,292 --> 00:33:19,961 Oh, my goodness, as I live and breathe! 638 00:33:19,962 --> 00:33:22,564 Unfortunately. 639 00:33:22,566 --> 00:33:23,565 You're little Dorothy Petrillo. 640 00:33:23,567 --> 00:33:24,965 That's right. 641 00:33:24,968 --> 00:33:28,537 You haven't changed a bit. Same gorgeous smile. 642 00:33:28,538 --> 00:33:32,673 Pretty eyes, beautiful figure, long golden blonde hair. 643 00:33:32,674 --> 00:33:36,310 You have cataracts, don't you, Mr. Weinstock? 644 00:33:36,313 --> 00:33:38,880 Since 1967. 645 00:33:38,882 --> 00:33:40,448 Let's go. 646 00:33:40,450 --> 00:33:44,352 Sophia. Esther would have appreciated you being here. 647 00:33:45,988 --> 00:33:48,056 I loved that woman. She was the best, 648 00:33:48,057 --> 00:33:50,023 which is why she deserved a better husband. 649 00:33:50,026 --> 00:33:53,894 Instead of a miserable, no-good, lowlife sleazeball. 650 00:33:53,896 --> 00:33:57,932 Sophia, if you knew now what I knew then... 651 00:33:57,933 --> 00:34:00,300 Ah, so what. 652 00:34:00,303 --> 00:34:02,936 If you've got something to say, spit it out, Weinstock. 653 00:34:02,939 --> 00:34:04,838 Don't push me, or I will. 654 00:34:06,974 --> 00:34:09,710 There. I pushed. Too bad you weren't on a flight of stairs. 655 00:34:09,713 --> 00:34:12,313 Ma, Ma, you're creating a scene. 656 00:34:12,315 --> 00:34:14,949 Look, that was a long time ago. Forget about it. 657 00:34:14,951 --> 00:34:17,552 I can't forget. This man stole money from us. 658 00:34:17,554 --> 00:34:20,121 Because of him, our family went hungry. 659 00:34:20,123 --> 00:34:21,822 Ma, we never went hungry. 660 00:34:21,824 --> 00:34:24,592 Some nights I felt like dessert. 661 00:34:26,829 --> 00:34:28,630 Listen, why don't we just leave this mess 662 00:34:28,632 --> 00:34:30,231 and go out and get something to eat? 663 00:34:30,233 --> 00:34:32,900 Yeah, I'll ask Ma if she'd like to come. 664 00:34:32,902 --> 00:34:34,434 It'll do her good to get out of the house. 665 00:34:34,436 --> 00:34:37,204 Oh, she's been so depressed since she got back from that funeral. 666 00:34:37,206 --> 00:34:39,673 I mean, she lost one of her oldest friends, 667 00:34:39,675 --> 00:34:41,675 and even though she made up with Max, 668 00:34:41,677 --> 00:34:43,677 she'll probably never see him again. 669 00:34:43,679 --> 00:34:46,547 Well, you go and get her, we will try to cheer her up. 670 00:34:46,550 --> 00:34:49,217 We don't want that poor little thing getting sick over this. 671 00:34:49,219 --> 00:34:50,251 No. 672 00:34:50,253 --> 00:34:52,052 (Dorothy) Ma! Oh, my God! 673 00:34:52,054 --> 00:34:53,688 Dorothy, what is it? 674 00:34:53,690 --> 00:34:54,889 What, honey? 675 00:34:55,990 --> 00:34:59,260 Oh! Good Lord. 676 00:35:11,574 --> 00:35:13,942 Ma, what is going on here? 677 00:35:13,943 --> 00:35:16,811 Afterglow. 678 00:35:23,518 --> 00:35:25,887 So let's see if I've got this straight. 679 00:35:25,889 --> 00:35:27,889 You and this Max Weinstock were... 680 00:35:27,891 --> 00:35:29,690 Getting it on. 681 00:35:29,693 --> 00:35:31,826 Thank you. 682 00:35:31,827 --> 00:35:34,961 If you write that down, make it three times a night. He'd like that. 683 00:35:34,963 --> 00:35:36,697 And send me a copy. 684 00:35:36,699 --> 00:35:39,467 So this was a casual fling? 685 00:35:39,469 --> 00:35:42,103 Please. I'm not the love 'em and leave 'em type. 686 00:35:42,105 --> 00:35:44,838 At my age, I don't have the strength to do both. 687 00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:46,507 We got married. 688 00:35:46,509 --> 00:35:50,210 It was a lovely ceremony, no thanks to Dorothy. 689 00:35:50,213 --> 00:35:52,246 Ma, listen, I have to talk to you. 690 00:35:52,248 --> 00:35:55,016 Who's in charge here? 691 00:35:55,018 --> 00:35:56,349 What's the problem? 692 00:35:56,351 --> 00:35:58,119 I'm the caterer. It's two o'clock. 693 00:35:58,121 --> 00:36:01,722 The guests are waiting. Why isn't the show on the road? 694 00:36:01,724 --> 00:36:04,257 Ma, I know you're in there. The wedding is off. 695 00:36:04,260 --> 00:36:08,028 She doesn't approve. She doesn't approve? 696 00:36:08,030 --> 00:36:10,097 Now, look here, Stretch. 697 00:36:13,168 --> 00:36:16,036 I have a hundred cheese puffs and a sensitive assistant 698 00:36:16,039 --> 00:36:19,039 both on the verge of collapse. 699 00:36:19,041 --> 00:36:22,010 Whatever the problem is, overlook it. 700 00:36:22,012 --> 00:36:24,378 My mother did with my marriage. 701 00:36:24,380 --> 00:36:27,581 And if you say something smart, I'll slap you silly. 702 00:36:32,621 --> 00:36:37,057 Listen, this is a private moment, so butt out, Rambo. 703 00:36:40,262 --> 00:36:42,262 Ma, I have a confession to make. 704 00:36:42,264 --> 00:36:47,235 Ma, I came here to beg you for the last time not to get married. 705 00:36:47,237 --> 00:36:49,003 I didn't want you and Max together 706 00:36:49,005 --> 00:36:51,606 because it looked like you were cheating on Pop. 707 00:36:51,608 --> 00:36:53,608 I know it doesn't make any sense, 708 00:36:53,610 --> 00:36:56,876 but I still think of the two of you as being married, 709 00:36:56,878 --> 00:36:59,480 and I didn't want Max taking Pop's place. 710 00:36:59,481 --> 00:37:03,684 But now that I see the two of you so much in love, 711 00:37:03,686 --> 00:37:06,853 I realize I was just being selfish, Ma. 712 00:37:06,856 --> 00:37:08,956 Ma, I want you to be happy. 713 00:37:08,958 --> 00:37:11,891 And I know Pop would too. 714 00:37:28,677 --> 00:37:31,045 I love you, pussycat. 715 00:37:31,047 --> 00:37:33,313 This is more moving 716 00:37:33,315 --> 00:37:38,719 than Susan Hayward's climactic speech in I Want To Live! 717 00:37:38,721 --> 00:37:42,123 You're ready to fly right out of here, aren't you? 718 00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:47,661 Well, excuse me for living, Anita Bryant. 719 00:37:50,766 --> 00:37:52,567 Could we please get married already, 720 00:37:52,568 --> 00:37:54,302 so I can get in on the hugging? 721 00:37:54,304 --> 00:37:56,003 Places! Oh, Sophia. 722 00:37:56,005 --> 00:37:58,871 Honey, I want to wish you all the happiness in the world. 723 00:37:58,873 --> 00:38:00,907 Oh, thank you, Blanche. 724 00:38:00,909 --> 00:38:03,077 And, Sophia, I want to offer you 725 00:38:03,079 --> 00:38:06,780 a tradition Scandinavian wedding blessing. 726 00:38:06,782 --> 00:38:10,483 Keflectoflafen flafenflurfen, 727 00:38:10,485 --> 00:38:14,188 potetaflingin faflafen. 728 00:38:14,190 --> 00:38:17,190 I'm really touched. 729 00:38:17,193 --> 00:38:19,360 I'm also soaking wet. 730 00:38:21,563 --> 00:38:25,266 All right! One group hug, and let's hit the road. 731 00:38:25,268 --> 00:38:29,170 Oh, Sophia, honey... 732 00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:35,175 (♪ organist plays "The Wedding March" by Wagner) 733 00:38:58,967 --> 00:39:01,235 Uh-oh. 734 00:39:01,237 --> 00:39:04,003 Either I mixed the Elvis list with the wedding list, 735 00:39:04,005 --> 00:39:05,672 or everyone in Max's family 736 00:39:05,675 --> 00:39:09,809 appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show. 737 00:39:09,811 --> 00:39:12,813 Who cares already? Let's just do it! 738 00:39:15,449 --> 00:39:16,916 We are gathered here today 739 00:39:16,918 --> 00:39:19,586 to join this man and this woman in matrimony. 740 00:39:19,588 --> 00:39:22,690 I just love weddings! Oh, me too, me too. 741 00:39:22,692 --> 00:39:24,858 You think you'll ever get married again? 742 00:39:24,860 --> 00:39:26,793 Oh, I don't know. I don't think so. 743 00:39:26,795 --> 00:39:28,963 Me neither. How about you, Blanche? 744 00:39:28,965 --> 00:39:31,364 Oh, absolutely. 745 00:39:31,367 --> 00:39:33,367 If the right man ever came along. 746 00:39:33,369 --> 00:39:35,969 Course, he'd have to have the body of Mr. Mel Gibson, 747 00:39:35,972 --> 00:39:37,637 the personality of Mr. Johnny Carson, 748 00:39:37,639 --> 00:39:41,641 and the financial resources of Mr. Donald Trump. 749 00:39:41,643 --> 00:39:43,311 I have a feeling the three of us 750 00:39:43,313 --> 00:39:46,447 are going to be together for a long time. 751 00:39:46,449 --> 00:39:49,983 And do you, Max, take Sophia to be your lawfully wedded wife? 752 00:39:49,985 --> 00:39:51,485 I do. 753 00:39:51,487 --> 00:39:52,987 Then if no Elvis in this room 754 00:39:52,989 --> 00:39:54,956 has any objection to this union, 755 00:39:54,958 --> 00:39:56,990 I now pronounce you man and wife. 756 00:39:56,992 --> 00:39:58,960 You may kiss the bride. 757 00:40:06,969 --> 00:40:12,306 ♪ I do love you 758 00:40:12,307 --> 00:40:16,443 ♪ With all my heart 759 00:40:16,445 --> 00:40:21,382 ♪ Blue skies of Hawaii smile 760 00:40:21,384 --> 00:40:22,983 ♪ On this 761 00:40:22,985 --> 00:40:29,123 ♪ Our wedding day 762 00:40:29,125 --> 00:40:30,289 Ahahuh! 763 00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:35,929 Well, thank you, Mrs. Petrillo. 764 00:40:35,931 --> 00:40:38,331 By the way, what happened to Mr. Weinstock? 765 00:40:38,333 --> 00:40:40,166 We found out we weren't compatible. 766 00:40:40,168 --> 00:40:42,436 Thank God it was before we had kids. 767 00:40:42,438 --> 00:40:46,474 All right. Now that the Weinstock mystery is cleared up, 768 00:40:46,476 --> 00:40:49,577 I only have one more question to ask. 769 00:40:49,579 --> 00:40:51,646 What organizations do you belong to? 770 00:40:51,648 --> 00:40:53,648 We have to make sure none of them could be 771 00:40:53,650 --> 00:40:55,148 considered a threat to the President. 772 00:40:55,150 --> 00:40:57,851 Oh, well, I'm a member of the Sierra Club, 773 00:40:57,853 --> 00:41:01,822 and Blanche belongs to the Daughters of the Confederacy. 774 00:41:01,824 --> 00:41:04,659 And I'm a member of the Otto Club of St. Olaf. 775 00:41:04,661 --> 00:41:06,827 Actually I'm an honorary member. 776 00:41:06,829 --> 00:41:10,030 My name's not Otto. 777 00:41:10,032 --> 00:41:12,900 I don't think that group could be considered subversive. 778 00:41:12,902 --> 00:41:14,369 Subversive? 779 00:41:14,371 --> 00:41:16,170 As in, "Do you advocate the overthrow 780 00:41:16,172 --> 00:41:18,304 of the government by force or violence?" 781 00:41:19,306 --> 00:41:22,576 Violence. Rose! 782 00:41:22,577 --> 00:41:24,512 Actually there is one other organization 783 00:41:24,514 --> 00:41:25,980 that Rose and I belong to. 784 00:41:25,981 --> 00:41:27,514 We might as well tell him. 785 00:41:27,516 --> 00:41:29,349 He'll find out sooner or later. 786 00:41:29,351 --> 00:41:31,351 Well, that about concludes the first meeting 787 00:41:31,353 --> 00:41:34,153 of the Hunk-a Hunk-a Burnin' Love Fan Club. 788 00:41:34,155 --> 00:41:35,521 But before we adjourn, 789 00:41:35,523 --> 00:41:39,693 our secretary has a real special surprise. 790 00:41:39,695 --> 00:41:43,097 A genuine Elvis artifact! 791 00:41:43,099 --> 00:41:46,800 (oohs and aahs) 792 00:41:46,802 --> 00:41:49,135 It's a partially-eaten pork chop. 793 00:41:51,739 --> 00:41:53,139 Let me see. 794 00:41:53,141 --> 00:41:54,708 He had beautiful teeth, didn't he? 795 00:41:54,710 --> 00:41:57,344 It's wonderful! 796 00:42:02,282 --> 00:42:04,619 This has to be a fake. 797 00:42:04,621 --> 00:42:08,822 Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop. 798 00:42:08,824 --> 00:42:12,592 (laughs hysterically) 799 00:42:19,501 --> 00:42:21,168 Dorothy, you're out of the club. 800 00:42:21,170 --> 00:42:23,036 Meeting is adjourned. 801 00:42:23,039 --> 00:42:25,306 Thank you, ladies. See you next week. 802 00:42:25,307 --> 00:42:27,240 Thank you for coming. 803 00:42:30,211 --> 00:42:32,813 Well, I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy. 804 00:42:32,815 --> 00:42:34,181 I've just been thrown out 805 00:42:34,184 --> 00:42:37,751 of an unauthorized Elvis fan club. 806 00:42:37,753 --> 00:42:41,422 I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life. 807 00:42:44,358 --> 00:42:47,762 I mean, there must be a support group for people like me. 808 00:42:52,034 --> 00:42:55,235 We're sorry, Dorothy, but the bylaws clearly state 809 00:42:55,237 --> 00:42:57,471 that any derogatory remarks about the King 810 00:42:57,472 --> 00:43:00,675 are grounds for immediate expulsion. 811 00:43:00,677 --> 00:43:03,010 Maybe you ought to join an organization 812 00:43:03,012 --> 00:43:05,545 that is a little less fanatical in its devotion. 813 00:43:05,547 --> 00:43:08,583 Like what, Blanche? The PLO? 814 00:43:12,253 --> 00:43:15,054 Is anyone as nervous as I am? 815 00:43:15,056 --> 00:43:19,126 I can't believe I'm gonna meet the President of the United States. 816 00:43:19,128 --> 00:43:21,661 Oh, if I say something stupid, I'll die. 817 00:43:21,664 --> 00:43:24,364 Can we make a donation in lieu of flowers? 818 00:43:24,367 --> 00:43:26,333 Dorothy, you're not still planning 819 00:43:26,335 --> 00:43:29,068 on saying all those things to the President, are you? 820 00:43:29,070 --> 00:43:30,605 Oh, absolutely. 821 00:43:30,606 --> 00:43:33,608 When he comes through that door, I am ready for him. 822 00:43:33,610 --> 00:43:36,342 Read my lips. I'm telling him off. 823 00:43:36,344 --> 00:43:38,445 I'm telling him o... 824 00:43:38,447 --> 00:43:41,581 Well, it's not really fair, 'cause I can hear you. 825 00:43:42,885 --> 00:43:44,518 Dorothy, am I showing too much cleavage? 826 00:43:44,519 --> 00:43:45,786 Yes. 827 00:43:45,788 --> 00:43:47,721 Then I'm ready for him too. 828 00:43:47,722 --> 00:43:50,190 (doorbell) 829 00:43:55,262 --> 00:43:57,364 Ladies, the motorcade is running late. 830 00:43:57,365 --> 00:43:59,599 Now, the President won't actually be coming into the house. 831 00:43:59,601 --> 00:44:03,036 He'll just be at the door for a photo opportunity. 832 00:44:03,039 --> 00:44:06,072 So, Mrs. Devereaux, you might want to cover up. 833 00:44:06,074 --> 00:44:07,240 (sirens) 834 00:44:07,242 --> 00:44:08,876 Oh! Here he comes. 835 00:44:11,246 --> 00:44:15,916 Mr. President, I'd like you to meet Rose Nylund. 836 00:44:15,918 --> 00:44:18,552 Hello, Mr. President. Can I ask you something? 837 00:44:18,554 --> 00:44:20,186 (President) Why, sure. 838 00:44:20,188 --> 00:44:22,222 Is the Oval Office as hard to vacuum 839 00:44:22,224 --> 00:44:23,523 as I think it is? 840 00:44:23,525 --> 00:44:25,726 (President) Well, I don't know. 841 00:44:25,728 --> 00:44:27,894 There hasn't been a Hoover in the White House 842 00:44:27,896 --> 00:44:29,731 in, oh, 60 years. 843 00:44:29,733 --> 00:44:31,231 (President laughs) 844 00:44:31,233 --> 00:44:34,367 (all laugh) 845 00:44:36,271 --> 00:44:38,072 That was a good one, sir. 846 00:44:38,074 --> 00:44:42,175 And this is Sophia Petrillo. 847 00:44:42,177 --> 00:44:45,679 (President) Well, thank you for letting me visit your home. 848 00:44:45,681 --> 00:44:47,849 You know, where I come from, when you visit somebody, 849 00:44:47,851 --> 00:44:49,315 you bring a little something. 850 00:44:49,318 --> 00:44:50,885 A marble cake would've been nice. 851 00:44:50,887 --> 00:44:52,885 Sophia! What? 852 00:44:52,887 --> 00:44:55,655 This is the President of the United States. 853 00:44:55,657 --> 00:44:57,257 Then he should know better. 854 00:44:57,259 --> 00:44:58,724 And this is... 855 00:44:58,726 --> 00:45:01,762 Blanche Devereaux. It's a real pleasure, Mr. President. 856 00:45:01,764 --> 00:45:05,733 My! You do have a lot of Secret Service men, don't you? 857 00:45:05,735 --> 00:45:07,067 Hi, Blanche. 858 00:45:07,068 --> 00:45:09,202 Hi, fellas. 859 00:45:09,204 --> 00:45:11,639 Thank you, Mrs. Devereaux. 860 00:45:11,641 --> 00:45:15,476 And, Mr. President, this is Dorothy Zbornak. 861 00:45:15,478 --> 00:45:16,742 Dorothy, please? 862 00:45:16,744 --> 00:45:19,179 (President) Hello, Miss Zbornak. 863 00:45:19,181 --> 00:45:21,347 I, uh... Oh... 864 00:45:21,349 --> 00:45:23,849 (Agent Bell) Miss Zbornak is a teacher, Mr. President. 865 00:45:23,851 --> 00:45:25,418 (President) Do you have suggestions 866 00:45:25,420 --> 00:45:29,389 maybe on how we can help with this education thing? 867 00:45:29,391 --> 00:45:31,992 Y... Bush. 868 00:45:33,827 --> 00:45:36,063 (President) Well, it's good to know we have your backing. 869 00:45:36,065 --> 00:45:40,201 Do you wanna let go of my hand now? 870 00:45:40,202 --> 00:45:41,668 I think he means right now. 871 00:45:41,670 --> 00:45:43,570 Oh, y... 872 00:45:43,572 --> 00:45:46,840 (President) Well, I hope you've enjoyed this as much as I have. 873 00:45:46,842 --> 00:45:48,275 Goodbye, ladies. 874 00:45:48,277 --> 00:45:50,577 Goodbye, Mr. President. 875 00:45:53,514 --> 00:45:55,014 (cars drive away) 876 00:45:55,016 --> 00:45:57,650 (sirens) 877 00:46:01,523 --> 00:46:04,324 I think he got the message.